A Rainbow in the Midst of a Storm

We’ve all heard the cliché ‘the calm before the storm’. Our family has been through the calm (as calm as our lives are right now), and we were now entering the storm. 

The storm we knew was brewing while we were determining God’s will for our future. And we knew Satan would unleash the storm once we went forward with the plans that would begin to fulfill God’s calling. Although I’m never sure why I’m surprised by others reactions, I’m typically surprised by how others allow Satan to use them and their reactions to cut. But that’s okay. We are prepared and ready for the storm. We may be shaken about and tossed to and fro, but at the end of the day, we will still be standing.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the rainbow in the midst of the storm.

We have had glimpses of the various colors shining through since our vocal, out loud willingness to go forward. Colors that shone through in surprise finances, surprise gifts, surprise connections.

But I wasn’t prepared for the FULL rainbow in my daddy’s words. Peaceful words that rolled off his tongue as though they had been put there only by our mutual Heavenly Father:

“I guess I need to get my passport ready.”

That’s all he said. He slipped it in when I least expected it. And for me, amidst all the naysayers and the “you can’t’s”, he shone a rainbow into my heart.

Thank you, Daddy. I love you!

Braking in Traffic

When I was younger, I would sometimes get a stern talking to by my mother. (I know, hard to believe, right?!?)

This talk would typically not come about because of soemthing I was doing wrong, but more often than not, because of something I wasn't doing. For example, if I would become tired and overwhelmed and allow my ugly side to come out, she would talk to me more about what I shouldn't be doing to allow myself to become so tired and overwhelmed. Although I dreaded those talks, I was always glad she had intervened and helped me in the end.

The same holds true of my Christian walk with God today. I sometimes (okay, more than sometimes), whine and complain about the current place of ministry my husband and I are in. I go through the motions of trying to be a "good girl" and keep it to myself, not going overboard in my complaints, but I am at the point that enough is enough already!

So, I do what I typically do at this point and I cry out to God. "Please help me. Please rescue me. Please tell me what to do!"

At times, He answers. At other times, like now, He is silent. But He still reminds me, when I take the time to look, that He is very much present during the silence. He is still teaching me, molding me. So for now, I'll wait until He speaks. I don't know why He has called me to this place now. I don't know why He has called us to leave our extended families. I don't know why He has called my husband to study His word from a seminary at THIS age. :) And I don't know why He has called us to a place and into an area of ministry that will require the ultimate preparation and sacrifice just RIGHT before my husband was to graduate, resulting in more preparation time.

I don't know the answers to these questions; questions we have, as well as well-meaning questions others have. But I do know this, beyond my whining and complaining and my questioning of the daily and mundane, once I hear His call, I no longer question, but I do. I do resting in the knowledge that He who began a good work in me (in us) will carry it out to the end....if we will get over ourselves and my cry baby antics and just let Him.

"When my ugly comes out, I am so often temped to think God leaves me. I wouldn't blame Him. But God is too full of grace to walk away. Grace doesn't give me a free pass to act out how I feel, with no regard to His commands. Rather His grace gives me consolation in the moment, with a challenge to learn from this situation and become more mature in the future." (Lysa TerKeurst, Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl, 124.)

Getting Back on the Right Road

Epiphany: a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something; an intuitive grasp of reality through something usually simple and striking (Mirriam Webster Dictionary)

Have you ever thought about what the word “epiphany” means? I had an experience or “awakening” the other day. In describing my new found truths to my husband, I told him I had an epiphany. Then I started doubting I was using the word correctly! So I decided to look it up and from that found YES I was definitely using the word correctly.

The past couple of weeks, well more like the past couple of months, have been particularly hard on me. 

I have doubted my contribution to God’s Kingdom in every area of my life. I was in a dry spot and not seeing any fruit of my work for the Lord. I had allowed Satan’s lies about my lack of ability to be used for great things in God’s Kingdom to become truth in my mind. I have prayed, I have called out to God, I have read the Word, I have listened to sermons, I have read books…..but I finally realized, the one thing I hadn’t done was…..L.I.S.T.E.N. 

As I was complaining and almost crying (I don’t cry very often) to my husband about this time in our lives and just wanting to be done with it, he said something that started a spiral of events for me.

He said,

“I’m glad we are where we are right now. I wouldn’t change it for anything. I see God changing you and shaping you in order to use you for Him and in our ministry. And however long that takes, I’m willing to keep at it.” 

Now, I have to tell you, he may have not noticed, but I was speechless after that. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. 

One of my most favorite verses is Psalm 46:10: Be still and know that I am God….That has been my life verse for many years since my mother spoke this verse over me during a particularly tough period in my life. Oh, isn’t it so easy to forget though? Be still. That’s the hard part for me. Am I not supposed to be doing? That is what that verse really means, right? DO and know that I am God????

In my life's vocation, I have been paid to make decisions, lead others, be calm in tough situations, and get the job done quickly with as many people still on your side as possible. My human side wants to do that in all areas of my life. But God wants…demands…requires something different of me. HE wants to get the job done. And in whatever capacity He chooses to use me during that, then so be it. It is ALL for His glory.

My new favorite song is “Awakening” by Hillsong United. 

One of my favorite lines is: “For You and You alone, awake my soul”. My epiphany was simple, yet profound, and it was this: 

I have equipped you with all you need to serve Me. By serving Me in WHATEVER capacity I give you, whether through loving your husband, through serving your children, through your current job, or by talking to your neighbors, do it unto Me and those fruits will be used greatly to further My Kingdom. Stop trying to do it all by Yourself. You don’t need to. Just keep your heart and mind open and I will guide and direct your path.

  

Something so easy, so simple, yet for a “doing” heart, something that has AWAKENED me to my present and put an urgency back in my drive. 

Psalm 143:8: Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

 

Driving Down a Slippery Road

Have you ever driven on a road during a heavy rainfall?

Or what about during a snowstorm or on black ice?

I have! Growing up in the Appalachian Mountains, we had every type of bad weather road conditions imaginable. Floods, ice storms, snow storms. With each storm, came opportunities to learn how to drive on the roads safely. My parents took time to talk me through the road conditions, and to show me how to actually drive on them, how to turn my wheels, when not to turn my wheels, etc. I was very thankful for their teaching while driving in the NE Winters!

Since moving to the Southwest, however, I haven’t had much opportunity to practice my treacherous driving skills! (imagine that)  In fact, I would say at this point in my life, I would be scared of driving in a blizzard or heavy snow. This tends to be a lot like me posting on this blog.

When looking back on my life, I feel like I’ve been “in training” to be a pastor’s wife my whole life, particularly my adult life. And, quite honestly, there are many times, I’m not training very well! You see, SUPPOSEDLY pastor’s wives are to be perfect, or near perfect. They are never SUPPOSED to feel resentment, feel depressed, be sick, miss church, say a harsh word, be overweight, or anything else that would make one be perceived in a negative light. And they DEFINITELY are NOT SUPPOSED to share their feelings with anyone in the congregation, let alone the entire blogging world. Well, thank goodness, God already knew I was anything but your typical pastor’s wife!

Part of the point of sharing your life with someone else, others out there whom you may, and sometimes may not, know, is to LEARN from each other. I am VERY good at going along, following all of the “rules” and thinking life is grand, but then something will hit me right smack in the face and get my attention. It’s not usually anything large, but it’s enough. I read this recently that made a whole lot of sense to me:

It seems God continually brings me to the end of my endurance, both emotionally and physically, to reveal the truth about my heart. What’s revealed in those moments of pressure is usually something that needs addressing, like selfishness, insecurity, jealousy or bitterness. Getting split apart isn’t pleasant. In fact, it’s often painful and embarrassing. Yet it’s required if I want to become a true follower of Christ…..And if that requires the ugliness in my heart gets spilled out, then so be it. (Glennis Whitwer, I Would Have Made A Great Pharisee, Proverbs 31 Ministries, 9/13/11).

Oops! Did I say those things? Did I actually say some of us, even moi, could be dealing with a heart that is selfish or insecure or jealous or bitter? Yep, I did. You see, that’s where the whole training to be a “pastor’s wife” comes in. I can’t be effective to my God first, my husband and His calling second, my children next, and our flock or soon to be flock if I’m carrying around and harboring these feelings. I have to be STRONG enough to admit I have some issues that me and God need to deal with. And I need to actually put the effort into dealing with the issues. It doesn’t mean I need to tell the whole world my exact insecurities or feelings of bitterness or whatever it may be (unless God tells me to), but it does mean that I don’t need to act like I never have these feelings or that I always feel positive, upbeat, and ‘spiritual’. 

I told you before this has been a learning experience for my family. But, unless you knew me intimately, I’m not sure that you could ever know how much of a learning experience, journey, these last few years have been for me. But something that I have been so grateful and thankful for, is meeting REAL women in the pastorate already. Women who understand what it’s like to smile and not say a word to the person who is trashing your husband’s character, or women who know when it’s time to say ‘enough is enough’. 

Are there times I am sad? Yes. Are there times I’m not a great mother or wife? Yes. Are there times I’m bitter or angry and want to give someone a piece of my mind? Yes. The point here is to give ourselves freedom to be real with each other. But by doing so, to acknowledge that I'm allowing God to teach me when to share these feelings and with whom, and when not to; to teach me how to move on; to teach me how to be still and know He alone is God; and to teach me how to love in spite of myself. I am so glad His grace is poured into my sinful soul.

I would love to hear from you.  

What tangible things do you do when you are really sad or bitter or jealous (besides pray)? What have you learned by allowing the ugliness of your heart to spill out?

Blind Spots

This is a long one, so bear with me. J

I had minor eye surgery this past week. I have to say, it has left me more frustrated than not. I understand that is part of the process of healing. I have to go through the goop in my eyes, not seeing clearly, no makeup, and all the different medications in order to receive the end result. During this process, I have had a lot of time to ponder many things since that’s about all I can do effectively.

I have been stuck on 2 particular similarities:

1)     What is spiritual blindness? and

2)     Can we ever bypass the “healing phase” of our ministries in order to get to the real ministry?

Let me explain how these 2 questions are similar in our family’s life at the moment. We are in what we hope to be our final year of seminary training in order to be better prepared to complete the mission God has laid before us. Now, please understand, we do not think you HAVE to be seminary trained to complete God’s mission, but for us, that was what God has required of us. During our time here, I have to admit, there have often been many occurrences where we have wondered “what kind of training is this?!?” Book knowledge is wonderful and is of the utmost importance when you are called to be a Disciple of the Word, but where is the practical information? Where is the life application? Even working in and for churches and ministry organizations, we have often felt like we have “lost” our ministry experiences in order to gain a class credit. Not good. It turns out, we are not alone, and many other couples such as us, and in the age group and life stage as us, have been there, done that. Through this journey, God has divinely led us to great friends. Friends who would encourage us, stand in the gap with us, and who have been at varying life stages and could give us Godly counsel to help us. It is through these friendships that we have been ministered to, but we have also been able to minister. Some of our closest friends happen to be pastors and their families. Some have moved away, others still remain here in school, yet others are just here. Watching their lives, though, we have found ourselves wondering lately, “Is this REALLY what YOU intended ministry to be Lord, and if so, I’m not sure you called the right person” (or at least, I have said that). You see, we have seen first-hand the sufferings of our friends at the hands of senior pastors, at the hands of overzealous church leaders, and at the hands of domineering church congregations. We have seen their lives DRAMATICALLY change when they are told to “move on” or to “leave” or that they are “not wanted/needed” anymore. We have seen their grown children cry like little children for their parents, for their respective ministries, for the loss that the Kingdom has just encountered. And that’s where the 2 questions above have continually nagged me.

Do we, as those called to be Disciples of Christ, Fishers of Men, (and that means ALL of us), do we have to endure such strife, even at the hands of our brothers and sisters in Christ?

I was struggling with this seeing our friends endure such harsh lies, defamation of character, and loss of their livelihood. I asked my very wise husband the question, and he said, “The answer is simply, Yes.” I said, well how do you know? (I’m not that stupid and naive; I know how he knows and how I know, but I needed his reassurance). I know we live in a fallen world. In a world where Satan has declared war  through his army of demons. And he leaves NO ONE out. I know that through our own struggles in our Christian walk. But we also know that through God sending us Godly messages in His timing at just the right time, as He did that week during the ENTIRE week’s worth of chapel services. (God’s graciousness again!)

So my take aways have been this: I truly believe many of us have become spiritually blind, including myself. We have allowed our own will to overshadow God’s Will. We have believed Satan’s lies of “I deserve this; I don’t deserve to be treated like that; if you are enduring hardship after hardship then you must be doing something wrong.” We no longer adhere to Ephesians 6 and “obey our earthly masters with respect and fear and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.” However, the good news is that if we so choose, we can find sight. In Luke 4, Jesus said,

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him. He began by saying to them, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”

The scripture is fulfilled in your hearing. Your hearing. The WORLD’s hearing. Isn’t that what we are supposed to be about? To take the gospel to the ends of the earth? How can we do that if we are constantly opposing one another? If we are downtrodden and beaten down? That’s the beauty of God’s message. He brings Hope to the hopeless, but that same Hope is also for those of us who are constantly attacked by those willing to be used by Satan. God tells us what to do during these times of turmoil. To take His Good News to the ends of the earth, to tell others that He has come to set them free. Don’t allow Satan to win this war. Put on your battle gear and get ready for the fight of your life, because dear friends, I believe whole heartedly, we ain’t seen nothin’ yet!!!

Ephesians 6:10-20: Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Driving with Boldness

Boldness.

"Can you remember the last time you prayed for boldness? True boldness. Do we say: “Let’s talk about God, not Jesus; the things Jesus taught, not the Resurrection. In fact, maybe we should sneak out of the city and take our message somewhere else.”  Or do we pray “American” prayers? “Let’s pray for safety, for a blessing, for protection, for better grades on our tests, for a safe trip, for traveling mercy, let’s thank God for our food, but let’s not ask for BOLDNESS….BOLDNESS just got us thrown in jail.” If the 1^st century Christians prayed prayers like the 21^st century Christians, American Christians, the message of Jesus may have never gotten out of the 1^st century. Our prayers are kind of pathetic. We live in the safest country in the world and most of us live in the safest part of the safest country in the world. We live in a country where if you are bold about your faith, about the worst thing that can happen is that you might lose a friend, or a golf partner, or a bridge companion, or your work may tell you to tone it down a bit, or you may even lose your job, but that’s about it.

We have more freedom to be bold than any other country in the world, yet we are some of the least bold people in the world.

When was the last time you prayed for boldness?

One of the greatest mysteries in all of history is how did the church survive Rome, 70 AD, when all of ancient Judaism basically went away, which is the foundation of all of Christian thought and Christian teaching? How did the 1^st century church even survive? Part of the answer is that they understand their message was so important that they did not pray for protection, they did not dumb down the message, but instead, they actually prayed for GREATER BOLDNESS." (Andy Stanley)

The above text was taken in part from a sermon by Andy Stanley. I do not know how his words strike you, but they hit me HARD. I’m guilty; guilty of praying small, insignificant prayers. Now don’t get me wrong. I think praying for traveling mercies, a sick child, a work situation is good. It teaches us to rely on the power of prayer and God. But, my walk with God is not about safety, about comfort, or about the “easy” road (although I really wish it were a lot of times!). My walk with God is about Honoring Him, becoming more Like Him, and making Disciples throughout the world. So, if that’s the case, then my prayers need to change. And with my prayers changing, my actions will change as well. I pray I can become a person who proclaims His message with BOLDNESS, without hinderance, without being scared of what might be, without dumbing down the message. I pray you are stirred to join me in this effort.

Acts 28:31: He proclaimed the kingdom of God and taught about the Lord Jesus Christ – with all boldness and without hindrance!

   With only His Grace,

Why this Road?

My journey on this road involves more than myself. This blog is about me, yes, but also about what my God has taught me and my husband along the way (and is still teaching us). The beginning of this blog was to write about our experiences the past 3 years….experiences that only we can give the account of, but ones in hope that can be used in order to be a light to others. But to talk about the last 3 years, I have to take you on a trip with me starting before that. A trip that I will not retell every turn and bump along the way, but one that is important in developing our desires, our passions, and all the road in between.

To say the last 3 years has been difficult would be a vast understatement. 13 years ago, my husband had graduated with his Ph.D. from a well-known university and had moved across the country to take a Post-Doctoral fellowship in the SAME town as I had just moved. Unknowingly, we moved the same month to apartments that were 1 mile from each other, and choose to attend the same large church. Well, as the story usually goes, we met, dated, fell in love, and married within 2 years. I was in awe of my husband. I thought I had “hit the jackpot” with him. Not only was he intelligent and handsome, he had such a desire to know the Lord so intimately that it permeated every facet of his being. It was contagious! Little did I know, God was working miracles in his mind and soul. Miracles that would take 7 or 8 years to come to fruition.

Speed up and fast forward many years…..God placed us in a church with people who encouraged my husband and his desires, in particular one close friend. My husband desired to spend all his time studying the Bible and telling others about Christ and showing them in real, personal ways what it meant to be a disciple of Christ. At the same time, I was feeling pulled into that area as well, and I knew my husband was, without him even telling me. So, with humbled hearts and nervous stomachs, we stepped out in faith and accepted God’s call to be in full-time vocational ministry. Particularly since my husband did not know what area of ministry he was being called to, he felt led to pursue theological studies. He began that process through on-line courses, but eventually felt led to move our family.

3 years ago my husband and I prayerfully made the decision to leave EVERYTHING we knew and felt comfortable with to move across the United States to attend seminary. The decision was not one that we took lightly. We endured harsh criticism from Christians and church leaders whom we loved dearly. Encouraging words were spoken few and far between. My husband was told he would never be more than an administrator, or that he would only be an “intellectual” minister. Self-doubt and fear were the open doors to Satan’s continual attacks that followed us to seminary. But, despite all that, God was with us every mile of the way. He opened doors to get here that only can be explained supernaturally. He has provided for us in ways that can only be explained supernaturally. And, he has given my husband the strength, endurance, and His favor that can ONLY be explained supernaturally.

But, even with God’s blessings, life in seminary has been challenging. I have given up a life that we believe is biblical to do what we believe God has enabled me to do in order to provide for our family during this transition. Our children have given up extracurricular activities, extravagant birthday parties, best friends, and other opportunities in order to help contribute to and support our family. My husband has given up sleep,(yes, he only gets 4 hours a night most times), position, and space in order to follow God’s call.

But, the most important part to catch is here: my husband is a changed man, I am a changed woman, and my children are all changed and growing in the Lord’s ways. We are not who we were 13 years ago, 3 years ago, or even 1 year ago. God continues to bless us. He blesses my husband with boldness, with gifts and talents he thought were reserved for others, with an even deeper passion and desire for His people, with ministry opportunities to stretch and grow him, and with genuine friends who seek to build him up instead of tear him down. God has kept our children safe, protected from the evils of the world, and has given them a heart and spirit for those who still do not know the Lord. And God continually blesses me through my husband, my children, and my close friends.

This blog is about our journey. There will be times I will write about something from the past that God has laid on my heart to share. There will often be times I will write more than normal because I want you to feel you know me, us, our family, and to do so means explaining a bit. Mostly, I want to use this blog to bring glory and honor to my Creator. I pray you are able to find connection and resonation with something He says through me.

 Matthew 6:25-26: "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

                                                                   

My "Jill"

I had a friend at my last highway home who had a “Jill” friendship. I was always so envious of their friendship….finishing each other’s sentences, spending the night with one another like they were sisters, keeping each other’s secrets safe without judging one another, yet also being able to be brutally honest with each other without the fear of losing one another. Well, eventually one friend moved far away, while the other stayed behind. I always wondered what happened to the closeness among the 2 friends, but I never asked. I heard a report on a local Christian radio station recently that a new study showed Christian adults do not have many close friendships aside from their spouse, if any at all. The commentator continued to talk about how important it was for us to feel connected to someone, other than our spouse, with whom we could feel close, talk to, and help out when needed (or something to that effect). I started thinking about the friendships I have had over my adult years. My family and I have moved around a lot, and although I yearn for close girl friendships, they are hard to make when dealing with other “life” situations at the time. For men, it’s even harder. Women, or at least this woman, tends to hold back more, to be more surface than deep, and just plain not have time or energy or money to invest in one more “thing”. And then while I was recently feeling sorry for myself over moving yet AGAIN and leaving behind a couple of really close friends, the radio program from above came on…..that started me thinking…..why do friendships, particularly close ones, fall apart when someone moves? My mind quickly went to someone whom I call “My Jill”. This person has A LOT in common with me. She can finish my sentences, she can understand my trials and tribulations because she has nearly had all the same ones, and she “gets” my husband and doesn’t criticize who he is (one of my biggest pet peeves). The thing that I love the most though, is SHE GETS ME! I can be me, no facad, and she is still my friend. I can tell her something I disagree with, and she is still my friend, and not calling me to say “Are we okay?”. But most of all, she shares my deep love for reaching the world for Jesus. I know “my Jill” would walk across fire for me, and I would defend her to my death. And that, my friends, is NOTHING compared to what my Jesus would do for me, and you. If you have a “Jill” friend today, tell her how much she is appreciated.

My Back Road

                                                                                 I 

                                                                         this picture

  

                                                                        Don’t you?

Just the word back roads conjures up many descriptions. To me, it epitomizes driving slowly, taking in all the scenery, and just relaxing. This particular picture reminds me of the many back roads where I grew up. My father worked a lot and was often out of town, so we had a family tradition of taking Sunday drives on those back roads. I looked forward to those drives. That was our family's time to have many conversations that we may not have had throughout the week, and time to just look at the houses and fields we passed and imagine life happenings. I have such fond memories of those back road drives. Memories I now like to call “sweet” memories. 

This blog is about my current family's life; all the messy traffic and the numerous detours, all while being constantly showered by the grace of God. The idea for it came over a year ago. I felt God nudging me toward writing it. But, as has been the case since moving to “the city”, I felt inadequate (I'm not the best writer and don't know if I'd have anything to say that anyone would want to hear), overwhelmed with work and kids and Brad's schooling, and just plain too busy to comply. However, in usual God fashion, He continued to gently nudge me and allowed me to rely on Him with those inadequacies, overwhelming feelings, and fatigue.

So, come, take a drive with me along life’s back roads, 

                                                                      

and through the city traffic.

                                                                   

But remember to buckle your seatbelt!

Only Through the Grace of God,