Driving Down a Slippery Road

Have you ever driven on a road during a heavy rainfall?

Or what about during a snowstorm or on black ice?

I have! Growing up in the Appalachian Mountains, we had every type of bad weather road conditions imaginable. Floods, ice storms, snow storms. With each storm, came opportunities to learn how to drive on the roads safely. My parents took time to talk me through the road conditions, and to show me how to actually drive on them, how to turn my wheels, when not to turn my wheels, etc. I was very thankful for their teaching while driving in the NE Winters!

Since moving to the Southwest, however, I haven’t had much opportunity to practice my treacherous driving skills! (imagine that)  In fact, I would say at this point in my life, I would be scared of driving in a blizzard or heavy snow. This tends to be a lot like me posting on this blog.

When looking back on my life, I feel like I’ve been “in training” to be a pastor’s wife my whole life, particularly my adult life. And, quite honestly, there are many times, I’m not training very well! You see, SUPPOSEDLY pastor’s wives are to be perfect, or near perfect. They are never SUPPOSED to feel resentment, feel depressed, be sick, miss church, say a harsh word, be overweight, or anything else that would make one be perceived in a negative light. And they DEFINITELY are NOT SUPPOSED to share their feelings with anyone in the congregation, let alone the entire blogging world. Well, thank goodness, God already knew I was anything but your typical pastor’s wife!

Part of the point of sharing your life with someone else, others out there whom you may, and sometimes may not, know, is to LEARN from each other. I am VERY good at going along, following all of the “rules” and thinking life is grand, but then something will hit me right smack in the face and get my attention. It’s not usually anything large, but it’s enough. I read this recently that made a whole lot of sense to me:

It seems God continually brings me to the end of my endurance, both emotionally and physically, to reveal the truth about my heart. What’s revealed in those moments of pressure is usually something that needs addressing, like selfishness, insecurity, jealousy or bitterness. Getting split apart isn’t pleasant. In fact, it’s often painful and embarrassing. Yet it’s required if I want to become a true follower of Christ…..And if that requires the ugliness in my heart gets spilled out, then so be it. (Glennis Whitwer, I Would Have Made A Great Pharisee, Proverbs 31 Ministries, 9/13/11).

Oops! Did I say those things? Did I actually say some of us, even moi, could be dealing with a heart that is selfish or insecure or jealous or bitter? Yep, I did. You see, that’s where the whole training to be a “pastor’s wife” comes in. I can’t be effective to my God first, my husband and His calling second, my children next, and our flock or soon to be flock if I’m carrying around and harboring these feelings. I have to be STRONG enough to admit I have some issues that me and God need to deal with. And I need to actually put the effort into dealing with the issues. It doesn’t mean I need to tell the whole world my exact insecurities or feelings of bitterness or whatever it may be (unless God tells me to), but it does mean that I don’t need to act like I never have these feelings or that I always feel positive, upbeat, and ‘spiritual’. 

I told you before this has been a learning experience for my family. But, unless you knew me intimately, I’m not sure that you could ever know how much of a learning experience, journey, these last few years have been for me. But something that I have been so grateful and thankful for, is meeting REAL women in the pastorate already. Women who understand what it’s like to smile and not say a word to the person who is trashing your husband’s character, or women who know when it’s time to say ‘enough is enough’. 

Are there times I am sad? Yes. Are there times I’m not a great mother or wife? Yes. Are there times I’m bitter or angry and want to give someone a piece of my mind? Yes. The point here is to give ourselves freedom to be real with each other. But by doing so, to acknowledge that I'm allowing God to teach me when to share these feelings and with whom, and when not to; to teach me how to move on; to teach me how to be still and know He alone is God; and to teach me how to love in spite of myself. I am so glad His grace is poured into my sinful soul.

I would love to hear from you.  

What tangible things do you do when you are really sad or bitter or jealous (besides pray)? What have you learned by allowing the ugliness of your heart to spill out?