Getting Back on the Right Road

Epiphany: a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something; an intuitive grasp of reality through something usually simple and striking (Mirriam Webster Dictionary)

Have you ever thought about what the word “epiphany” means? I had an experience or “awakening” the other day. In describing my new found truths to my husband, I told him I had an epiphany. Then I started doubting I was using the word correctly! So I decided to look it up and from that found YES I was definitely using the word correctly.

The past couple of weeks, well more like the past couple of months, have been particularly hard on me. 

I have doubted my contribution to God’s Kingdom in every area of my life. I was in a dry spot and not seeing any fruit of my work for the Lord. I had allowed Satan’s lies about my lack of ability to be used for great things in God’s Kingdom to become truth in my mind. I have prayed, I have called out to God, I have read the Word, I have listened to sermons, I have read books…..but I finally realized, the one thing I hadn’t done was…..L.I.S.T.E.N. 

As I was complaining and almost crying (I don’t cry very often) to my husband about this time in our lives and just wanting to be done with it, he said something that started a spiral of events for me.

He said,

“I’m glad we are where we are right now. I wouldn’t change it for anything. I see God changing you and shaping you in order to use you for Him and in our ministry. And however long that takes, I’m willing to keep at it.” 

Now, I have to tell you, he may have not noticed, but I was speechless after that. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. 

One of my most favorite verses is Psalm 46:10: Be still and know that I am God….That has been my life verse for many years since my mother spoke this verse over me during a particularly tough period in my life. Oh, isn’t it so easy to forget though? Be still. That’s the hard part for me. Am I not supposed to be doing? That is what that verse really means, right? DO and know that I am God????

In my life's vocation, I have been paid to make decisions, lead others, be calm in tough situations, and get the job done quickly with as many people still on your side as possible. My human side wants to do that in all areas of my life. But God wants…demands…requires something different of me. HE wants to get the job done. And in whatever capacity He chooses to use me during that, then so be it. It is ALL for His glory.

My new favorite song is “Awakening” by Hillsong United. 

One of my favorite lines is: “For You and You alone, awake my soul”. My epiphany was simple, yet profound, and it was this: 

I have equipped you with all you need to serve Me. By serving Me in WHATEVER capacity I give you, whether through loving your husband, through serving your children, through your current job, or by talking to your neighbors, do it unto Me and those fruits will be used greatly to further My Kingdom. Stop trying to do it all by Yourself. You don’t need to. Just keep your heart and mind open and I will guide and direct your path.

  

Something so easy, so simple, yet for a “doing” heart, something that has AWAKENED me to my present and put an urgency back in my drive. 

Psalm 143:8: Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

 

Driving Down a Slippery Road

Have you ever driven on a road during a heavy rainfall?

Or what about during a snowstorm or on black ice?

I have! Growing up in the Appalachian Mountains, we had every type of bad weather road conditions imaginable. Floods, ice storms, snow storms. With each storm, came opportunities to learn how to drive on the roads safely. My parents took time to talk me through the road conditions, and to show me how to actually drive on them, how to turn my wheels, when not to turn my wheels, etc. I was very thankful for their teaching while driving in the NE Winters!

Since moving to the Southwest, however, I haven’t had much opportunity to practice my treacherous driving skills! (imagine that)  In fact, I would say at this point in my life, I would be scared of driving in a blizzard or heavy snow. This tends to be a lot like me posting on this blog.

When looking back on my life, I feel like I’ve been “in training” to be a pastor’s wife my whole life, particularly my adult life. And, quite honestly, there are many times, I’m not training very well! You see, SUPPOSEDLY pastor’s wives are to be perfect, or near perfect. They are never SUPPOSED to feel resentment, feel depressed, be sick, miss church, say a harsh word, be overweight, or anything else that would make one be perceived in a negative light. And they DEFINITELY are NOT SUPPOSED to share their feelings with anyone in the congregation, let alone the entire blogging world. Well, thank goodness, God already knew I was anything but your typical pastor’s wife!

Part of the point of sharing your life with someone else, others out there whom you may, and sometimes may not, know, is to LEARN from each other. I am VERY good at going along, following all of the “rules” and thinking life is grand, but then something will hit me right smack in the face and get my attention. It’s not usually anything large, but it’s enough. I read this recently that made a whole lot of sense to me:

It seems God continually brings me to the end of my endurance, both emotionally and physically, to reveal the truth about my heart. What’s revealed in those moments of pressure is usually something that needs addressing, like selfishness, insecurity, jealousy or bitterness. Getting split apart isn’t pleasant. In fact, it’s often painful and embarrassing. Yet it’s required if I want to become a true follower of Christ…..And if that requires the ugliness in my heart gets spilled out, then so be it. (Glennis Whitwer, I Would Have Made A Great Pharisee, Proverbs 31 Ministries, 9/13/11).

Oops! Did I say those things? Did I actually say some of us, even moi, could be dealing with a heart that is selfish or insecure or jealous or bitter? Yep, I did. You see, that’s where the whole training to be a “pastor’s wife” comes in. I can’t be effective to my God first, my husband and His calling second, my children next, and our flock or soon to be flock if I’m carrying around and harboring these feelings. I have to be STRONG enough to admit I have some issues that me and God need to deal with. And I need to actually put the effort into dealing with the issues. It doesn’t mean I need to tell the whole world my exact insecurities or feelings of bitterness or whatever it may be (unless God tells me to), but it does mean that I don’t need to act like I never have these feelings or that I always feel positive, upbeat, and ‘spiritual’. 

I told you before this has been a learning experience for my family. But, unless you knew me intimately, I’m not sure that you could ever know how much of a learning experience, journey, these last few years have been for me. But something that I have been so grateful and thankful for, is meeting REAL women in the pastorate already. Women who understand what it’s like to smile and not say a word to the person who is trashing your husband’s character, or women who know when it’s time to say ‘enough is enough’. 

Are there times I am sad? Yes. Are there times I’m not a great mother or wife? Yes. Are there times I’m bitter or angry and want to give someone a piece of my mind? Yes. The point here is to give ourselves freedom to be real with each other. But by doing so, to acknowledge that I'm allowing God to teach me when to share these feelings and with whom, and when not to; to teach me how to move on; to teach me how to be still and know He alone is God; and to teach me how to love in spite of myself. I am so glad His grace is poured into my sinful soul.

I would love to hear from you.  

What tangible things do you do when you are really sad or bitter or jealous (besides pray)? What have you learned by allowing the ugliness of your heart to spill out?

Blind Spots

This is a long one, so bear with me. J

I had minor eye surgery this past week. I have to say, it has left me more frustrated than not. I understand that is part of the process of healing. I have to go through the goop in my eyes, not seeing clearly, no makeup, and all the different medications in order to receive the end result. During this process, I have had a lot of time to ponder many things since that’s about all I can do effectively.

I have been stuck on 2 particular similarities:

1)     What is spiritual blindness? and

2)     Can we ever bypass the “healing phase” of our ministries in order to get to the real ministry?

Let me explain how these 2 questions are similar in our family’s life at the moment. We are in what we hope to be our final year of seminary training in order to be better prepared to complete the mission God has laid before us. Now, please understand, we do not think you HAVE to be seminary trained to complete God’s mission, but for us, that was what God has required of us. During our time here, I have to admit, there have often been many occurrences where we have wondered “what kind of training is this?!?” Book knowledge is wonderful and is of the utmost importance when you are called to be a Disciple of the Word, but where is the practical information? Where is the life application? Even working in and for churches and ministry organizations, we have often felt like we have “lost” our ministry experiences in order to gain a class credit. Not good. It turns out, we are not alone, and many other couples such as us, and in the age group and life stage as us, have been there, done that. Through this journey, God has divinely led us to great friends. Friends who would encourage us, stand in the gap with us, and who have been at varying life stages and could give us Godly counsel to help us. It is through these friendships that we have been ministered to, but we have also been able to minister. Some of our closest friends happen to be pastors and their families. Some have moved away, others still remain here in school, yet others are just here. Watching their lives, though, we have found ourselves wondering lately, “Is this REALLY what YOU intended ministry to be Lord, and if so, I’m not sure you called the right person” (or at least, I have said that). You see, we have seen first-hand the sufferings of our friends at the hands of senior pastors, at the hands of overzealous church leaders, and at the hands of domineering church congregations. We have seen their lives DRAMATICALLY change when they are told to “move on” or to “leave” or that they are “not wanted/needed” anymore. We have seen their grown children cry like little children for their parents, for their respective ministries, for the loss that the Kingdom has just encountered. And that’s where the 2 questions above have continually nagged me.

Do we, as those called to be Disciples of Christ, Fishers of Men, (and that means ALL of us), do we have to endure such strife, even at the hands of our brothers and sisters in Christ?

I was struggling with this seeing our friends endure such harsh lies, defamation of character, and loss of their livelihood. I asked my very wise husband the question, and he said, “The answer is simply, Yes.” I said, well how do you know? (I’m not that stupid and naive; I know how he knows and how I know, but I needed his reassurance). I know we live in a fallen world. In a world where Satan has declared war  through his army of demons. And he leaves NO ONE out. I know that through our own struggles in our Christian walk. But we also know that through God sending us Godly messages in His timing at just the right time, as He did that week during the ENTIRE week’s worth of chapel services. (God’s graciousness again!)

So my take aways have been this: I truly believe many of us have become spiritually blind, including myself. We have allowed our own will to overshadow God’s Will. We have believed Satan’s lies of “I deserve this; I don’t deserve to be treated like that; if you are enduring hardship after hardship then you must be doing something wrong.” We no longer adhere to Ephesians 6 and “obey our earthly masters with respect and fear and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.” However, the good news is that if we so choose, we can find sight. In Luke 4, Jesus said,

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him. He began by saying to them, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”

The scripture is fulfilled in your hearing. Your hearing. The WORLD’s hearing. Isn’t that what we are supposed to be about? To take the gospel to the ends of the earth? How can we do that if we are constantly opposing one another? If we are downtrodden and beaten down? That’s the beauty of God’s message. He brings Hope to the hopeless, but that same Hope is also for those of us who are constantly attacked by those willing to be used by Satan. God tells us what to do during these times of turmoil. To take His Good News to the ends of the earth, to tell others that He has come to set them free. Don’t allow Satan to win this war. Put on your battle gear and get ready for the fight of your life, because dear friends, I believe whole heartedly, we ain’t seen nothin’ yet!!!

Ephesians 6:10-20: Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.